This post will be mentioning plot points from Game of Thrones (with the sixth season of the show looming, looming closer.) So if you’re not up-to-date on the show, this is your spoiler warning.
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and even though at this time last year I mostly pointed out that romance is dead in the Seven Kingdoms, I thought it’d be okay to talk about a romance that’s not happening on the show. Since the two characters:
- don’t know each other
- are separated by miles and miles of land and sea, and
- one of them is probably super-dead right now.
But Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen would make such a cute couple! Y’know, he’s all ice, she’s all fire. It’d be like poetry. Or a song.
Let’s imagine that there was some kind of star-crossed romance going on between these two. How could that have happened?
Well, suppose that Littlefinger had an investment in a Speed Dating venue in Lys (which I’m just going to assume is the Las Vegas of Essos, and I think is roughly the midpoint between Meereen and Castle Black.)
Let’s imagine that for some reason, Jon and Dany show up as participants. They have one minute to make a connection. Go!
Jon Snow: Hello there.
Dany: Hello! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt.
Jon Snow: I’m Jon –
Dany: Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains –
Jon Snow: I’m Jon Sn-
Dany: – and the Mother of Dragons. Did you say your name is Jon?
Jon Snow: Yes.
Dany: Any last name? Titles?
Jon Snow: Sort of, but we only have a minute to talk.
Dany: Oh yes, we need to get moving on getting to know one another. You look like you’re sad, Jon. Don’t you want to be here?
Jon Snow: Oh, well, my friend Sam dragged me along, but I’m happy enough. I just always look sad.
Jon Snow: Well, you see, the Lannisters killed my father recently –
Dany: Oh my gods! A Lannister killed my father too!
Jon Snow: Oh no! I’m so sorry.
Dany: It was ages ago, and thank you. I’m sorry for your father. That’s so sad.
Jon Snow: And then my brother was killed…
Dany: Get out! My brother was also recently killed! (Although that isn’t that big a deal.) We have so much in common!
Jon Snow: Well, the Lannisters probably kill a lot of people. But lets not talk about them.
Dany: What would you like to talk about?
Jon Snow: Well, I’m not a good conversationalist, so you’ve put me on the defensive. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of experience chatting with beautiful women who aren’t trying to kill me. It’s mostly all dudes where I’m from.
Dany: That’s so funny! I’m surrounded by men all the time. But none of them tell me I’m beautiful. Except for this one older guy, Jorah Mormont.
Jon Snow: Jorah Mormont? Is he the son of Jeor Mormont from Bear Island? I was Jeor Mormont’s steward for awhile.
Dany: WHAT? How is it that we haven’t met before?
Littlefinger: Times up, please rotate for your next date, everyone.
Dany: Oh no!
Jon Snow: I’m sorry we can’t talk longer. Please send me a raven to @castleblackboss sometime.
Dany: I will! My raven handle is @dragonmom23.
Jon Snow: 23?
Dany: All the other raven handles were taken!
Sam Tarly: Hello there! I couldn’t help but hear that you gave my friend Jon your raven handle. Mine is @wannabewizard. I’d be happy to hear from you as well. I love to read!
Dany: Hmmm – @wannabewizard? So you want to be a wizard?
Sam Tarly: I do! Always wanted to be a wizard. Gilly called me one once, and that was great, but it’d be so much better to truly be a real wizard.
Dany: A wizard is similar to a warlock. Is it not?
Sam Tarly: I suppose.
Dany: Warlocks once stole my children. And put me in chains.
Sam Tarly: Really? Were they magical chains? What was that like? You got to see magic! That’s so thrilling!
Dany: Then I set them on fire.
Sam Tarly: A White Walker tried to steal Gilly’s baby once! I stabbed it with dragonglass and it exploded! We have so much in common!
Dany: *rolls eyes*
Sam Tarly: So, what’s your raven handle again?
Littlefinger: Times up, please rotate for your next date, everyone.
I’m now going to assume that the ravens they use in Westeros and Essos are probably just like Twitter, because those things seem pretty fast and reliable. And Varys, knowing my interest in these two crazy kids, would be sending me copies of their raven messages. We don’t need to know how Varys gets these things. He’s Varys!
Let’s see what happens…
@dragonmom23 -> @blackcastleboss I’ve had the worst day.
@blackcastleboss -> @dragonmom23 Oh, I’m sorry to hear that Dany. What happened?
(Okay, to save bits and virtual trees on the Internet, I’ll dispense with showing Jon and Dany’s raven handles and the full addressing, okay?)
Dany: This guy I worked with, Mossador, really caused a problem. I had to order his beheading.
Dany: I had a real good reason though. Please don’t think I’m a monster.
Jon: I don’t think that! To tell you the truth, I recently had to behead this guy named Janos Slynt. I gave him an order, because I’m his boss, but he totally said he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t back down, so I pretty much had to behead him.
Dany: It was the same thing here. Sort of. I wish I didn’t have to have had Daario cut off Mossador’s head, though.
Jon: Daario? Who’s that?
Dany: Don’t be jealous, he’s just this guy who works for me.
Jon: Jealous, me? Nooo. I assume he’s one of the guys that doesn’t tell you that you are beautiful?
Dany: So… I had Daario, that guy, behead Mossador and the crowd didn’t like it. They threw rocks!
Jon: It’ll be okay. Pretty much everyone here where I’m at disagrees with everything I do, but I think in the end they know I’m doing the right thing. It’ll work out over where you are.
Dany: Thanks Jon, I needed to hear that.
Dany: Hey Jon, how has your day been?
Jon: It’s been weird. We have visitors here and one of them is a witch. She keeps hitting on me.
Dany: What? Is she all old and gross?
Jon: Uh… she’s older than me.
Dany: Ick! I met a witch once. I set her on fire.
Jon: Wow. I think the witch here would like that. She’s into burning stuff. Why did you set that witch on fire?
Dany: Well, she kind of caused the death of close family. It’s really complicated.
Jon: Ah. I didn’t mean to pry.
Dany: It’s really okay. It seems like a lifetime ago. But I’m writing to tell you some news. There’s this guy Hizdahr –
Jon: Hizdahr? That’s a weird name. Is he one of your guys like Daario?
Dany: Not exactly.
Jon: Is he your boyfriend? Do you like him?
Dany: Oh, I don’t really like him. He’s, uh, he’s getting married and I’m going to go to the wedding. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to tell you.
Jon: Oh. Okay. I hope you have a nice time. Weddings can be dangerous.
Dany: I set someone on fire the other day. Someone who wasn’t a witch.
Jon: I assume you had your reasons.
Jon: Sorry for not sending you a raven recently, it’s been pretty busy up here.
Dany: Busy being hit on by that witch?
Jon: LOL! Don’t get jealous… it’s funny you mention her. She left a few weeks ago with her king, but she’s back without him.
Dany: A king? What? Wow, you had a king visiting?
Jon: It’s kind of a long story. And it’s not that big a deal. There was a time recently that you couldn’t take a step without falling over this king or that king. We’ve had tons of them fighting each other.
Dany: Really? That’s interesting… politically I mean.
Jon: I guess. I’m kind of neutral on politics.
Dany: You’re not interested in who’s ruling Westeros?
Jon: Well yes, I have an interest, but my job kind of forces me to not pick sides about it. To not make a fuss one way or another.
Dany: Interesting. Tell me more.
Jon: That’s really it, I guess. I just hope someone decent gets to be in charge.
Dany: That reminds me, I’ve been thinking about coming to visit Westeros. Maybe I could visit you.
Jon: Oh, that would be great! Although the place is a mess. We still have to clean up after an army of Wildlings marched through. And the weather is getting bad.
Dany: It sounds like you don’t want me to visit…
Jon: No… I mean yes… I mean…
Dany: I’m just teasing. It’ll be awhile before I can come visit. Tyrion says a trip like the one I’m thinking of will require some planning. It’s okay to wait a bit.
Jon: Honestly, the Winter might not be the time to travel here. If we survive what’s coming, Spring might be much better.
Dany: I’ll dream of Spring then.
Jon: Wait, you said ‘Tyrion’, I know a Tyrion.
Dany: It’s, well, there’s no easy way to say this. It’s Tyrion Lannister. He’s advising me.
Jon: The Imp is advising you? This is the short Lannister?
Dany: I’m sorry, Jon. I know how you feel about Lannisters.
Jon: No, it’s really fine! This is the Tyrion I know, he’s a great guy. I consider him a friend.
Jon: It’s a long story, but he really was in my corner once. And he helped my little brother. Please give him my warmest regards. Make sure you say “warmest.” It was pretty cold the last time we hung out.
Dany: I will! This is so wonderful. I’ll ask him about all of your secrets.
Jon: I don’t really have any. None that I know of.
Dany: That’s silly. You probably have a lot of secrets. And you know it.
Jon: I’ve been told otherwise.
Dany: About secrets?
Jon: About knowing things. Hey, I have to run off. My steward Olly says he has big news…
Dany: 🙂 Say hi to this Olly for me. I have to go too. There’s a big sports thing I’m being dragged off to. Tyrion will be with me, so I’m going to bug him to tell me things about you.
Jon: Haha! Good luck. I hope your sports team wins.
Sadly, at that point, Dany ended up taking an unscheduled trip, and Jon ended up being invited to a party in his honor. Where they played a variant on the game Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
Ah, the course of true love never ran smooth.
Anyway, hope everyone has a nice Valentine’s Day, and that any color red you encounter on that day is from candy and greeting cards, and not from (dragon)fire and blood.
(Comments are always welcome. Super welcome! But if you want to talk spoilery Game of Thrones talk with me (also welcome) I’d invite you to visit my Safe Spoilers page on my backup blog. That way my non-book-reading friends won’t be shocked with foreknowledge.)
Images from HBO’s Game of Thrones (obviously.) Picture of Kit Harrington and Emilia Clarke smooching came from a 2012 Rolling Stone photo spread. It showed up in my Twitter feed as I was writing this article. THAT’S TOTALLY DESTINY AT WORK!
I make no claims to the images, but some claims to the text. So there.
If you liked this article, thank you! I have all of my Game of Thrones related articles on my handy-dandy Game of Thrones page should you want to read more but don’t want to navigate around my site.
© Patrick Sponaugle 2016 Some Rights Reserved